Fear

I must admit that Fear is present in my life in such a way right now that I am not quite sure how to react to anything. I am facing a surgery that I know will cause me to be in an immense amount of physical pain, self esteem deficit, and quite possibly a tragic recurrence of my Mother's young death...this is what I fear the most of course. I guess you could say that I am in a panic mode right now. I don't know where to turn, what to think, what to do, and whether or not to stop the tears that keep finding their way to my eyes. I am so scared that I feel as though I am frozen in this moment.

The people I have talked to about it (except for my dear friend "B") have totally thrown away the fact that I am terrified. They disregard this powerful emotion and simply say, "Don't worry, it will be ok!" I know they say this with the warmest intentions...I am sure they are just trying to help me think positive; however, by doing this I am only left feeling more alone than what I started out at. It makes me want to gather them all up and toss buckets of water onto them to wake them up to the reality that I am experiencing right now.

I know that I am freaking out a bit right now and quite honestly it is probably due to the fact that I am desperately seeking the mercy of Confession, but I also know that it WILL get better regardless of the outcome. I know that there is one place and one person I can turn to in order to seek and be granted peace, love, calmness, faith, hope, and most importantly mercy. I trust that He will keep me close to Him throughout this entire ordeal. I have Faith that I will not be abandoned. I may be scared of the surgery, but I am trusting in His plan.

More Than Just Hands.....

Everywhere we turn, there are hands. Some are young, old, soft, rough, dirty, clean, wrinkled, tiny, and big. Regardless, it is something that practically every single person has in common with everyone else in the world. We often take them for granted. We use them for so much, from the smallest of tasks to the largest.

I take care of people who are encountering perhaps the most important stage of their lives...their death. Most of them have spent decades here on this Earth. As I have watched family members and friends hold the hands of their departing loved one, I often think about how many tears the person's hands have wiped away, how many lives they have helped become better, how many smiles they have brought to other people's faces by simply waving, the calming effect of placing their hand on a saddened shoulder, and holding their newly born child just for example. I then look at my own hands and realize how many lives that I have touched in the smallest of ways. I realize that there is so much that people are able to do for others without very much effort. It gives me hope that someone's life....somewhere....can be brightened by someone else. Hope, afterall, is something so important for anyone to have.

Where Shall I Begin

I must admit that I am slightly timid to start this; however, I think that by doing this....I will be able to help myself heal in one way or another. I think it is time that I start verbalizing everything that is swarming around inside my head. There has been so much throughout my years of existence that I feel there is nothing more that could happen, but I know that it has only begun.

We all live out a life that often plays out like a rollercoaster. There are ups and downs, quick jolting turns, quick stops and starts, and even times of feeling like everything is upside down. None of us are able to predict what is about to happen but we await the next surprise with careful excitement. I wish I could say that I am able to handle stressful situations with ease due to experience; however, I think my experience makes it worse. I am constantly living in a state of fear that I will soon be living in a state of pain, exhaustion, and destitute once again. It is awful and I know that I am not the only one in this world who feels like this. I know that there are others out there feeling that too.

I hope that by expressing what is going on in my head, I will be able to make someone else feel like they can relate or feel like they are not alone. I need to become a stronger person. I am excited to see if this is a step that will improve my life and my heart. Who knows....the shadow just may fade away to beautiful light!